At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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