Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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