WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
