the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
