So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
