i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize