Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
