I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
