We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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