Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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