there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
