Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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