The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
