Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
