She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
