Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Are we still banned from the library?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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