you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
