Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
