Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
