Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
