Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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