birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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