My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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