My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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