I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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