meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
