Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
