you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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