I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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