I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
