All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
