I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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