I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
