Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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