She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
