ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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