Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
