Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
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i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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