i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
