I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
