on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
