ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
