Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
