Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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