Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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