I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
