Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
