I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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