I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
