last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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