i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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