matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
