did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
