Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
