i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
