fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
