I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
