Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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