people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
